I have just finished Year 12 in the year of COVID.  This is a few of my reflections on the challenges and what I have learned about myself.

There is a certain pressure and stress that comes in Year 12 that involves studying to get the best results you can.  I started out my year pretty well, setting a good pace for myself.  But I first noticed the pressure when COVID hit.  It freaked me out.  I had a few major works going at the time and now I had to work from home, where I had no mobile or internet reception.  I had to catch the bus into town to work.  It was hard not having face to face contact with the teachers.  Doing classes over the internet, I found it difficult to focus on content and there were no opportunities to learn from other people’s opinions.  We went back to school after Easter and it felt good to be back.  Initially, I thought I could get back on track.  But I realised I was behind.  The teachers seemed to be focused on the Year 11’s and it was hard to pop in and see them.  We had to re-learn a lot of content and this impacted on my time to give to other things.

I started thinking I should have spent more time doing revision.  When I was schooling from home, I would get up and put in a couple of hours work but I didn’t do much revision.   But I think at the time if I felt Anxiety, I would just ignore it thinking everyone else was having a hard time too.

Even in the preparation for year 12, I had done lots of revision during the summer break, revisting texts from Year 11 and starting on my major works, prior to the year starting.  At the beginning of the year I think I told myself I wouldn’t have to work as hard, as I was prepared, but perhaps this gave me a false sense of security.  I become upset with myself that I hadn’t kept pace.

Now it felt like everything was happening at once.  I didn’t realise it at the time but this is when Guilt moved in.  Picture a cartoon rabbit holding a pole with a string and a carrot dangling at the end of it.  This is like the end goal of just getting to the end of the year.  Guilt had me so focused on the carrot that I neglected everything else around me that was preserving my mental health.  Guilt would tell me I wasn’t allowed to do anything else but study, to stay focused and work towards that carrot.  It would tell me I wasn’t studying enough and not to take breaks.  The pressure of people telling me I needed to study fed into the Guilt.  I overworked and burnt myself out.  It had such a toll on me, that even after I’d finished school I would still wake up from sleep in a panic about having not done enough and still having something to do.

Guilt impacted hugely on my socialising, unless it involved studying.  I’m a social person but Guilt had convinced me I didn’t have time to unwind with my friends, the very people who were in the same situation as me.  My friend and I were on the same page with our Guilt.  One day when she refused to go out for coffee, I realised what it was doing to me.  She would normally be the one asking me out.

Guilt took me away from other things I did for myself such as reading for relaxation.  I am aware now I have picked up a habit.  I need to remind myself I can do things for myself without feeling the Guilt.

I have another friend who would make sure he devoted his lunch break for 20 minutes of rest.  He would tell himself what he planned to do with his breaks and that this was a time for everything he had learned to sink in.  Discipline allowed him to do that.  I noticed that when I studied together with him, I was a lot more productive.  He was also someone who did not freak out in exams.  I’ve had a sense of being disciplined myself before.  There was a time when I was spending a lot of time on my phone.  My parents would restrict my time on it and at first I was angry and struggled without it.  But after two weeks I realised I don’t use it for anything useful.  I noticed how dependent I had become on my phone.  I notice when I get back to my phone now, there is no real reason to be on it.  I feel better about myself now, doing other things I enjoy instead of just using my phone aimlessly.  I have a greater appreciation for the small things and the people I have around me.  I’ve gained new ways to deal with stress by focusing on other things.

Looking back, I know I needed to separate my school and personal life.  I needed to balance time to each of these things, to have time to unwind.  I know now that I should have given myself a break, whether or not I think I earned it.  Guilt will always try to convince you not to have a break.  

It’s so important to have a solid group of genuine friends who you share interests with outside of school.  My friends had always been there for me.  We used to commit time together going out for fun, where study didn’t even get brought up.  Now that I’m going off to university, its as important as even to hold onto these friendships.  I’m not letting go of them.

The one thing that got me through Year 12 was reminding myself that Christmas time was the break and I would be able to do other things like make art, clay, 3D art and painting.

If I could do Year 12 again, I wouldn’t put so much pressure on myself.  I would tell myself that you need to give yourself credit, school can wait and your mental health has to come first.

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