Depression was a horror movie, like being in a nightmare.  I knew it was real but hoping it wasn’t.

Depression had me ruminating on things that happened in the past and not being able to let go of what’s happened.  Depression told me I couldn’t seem to do anything good and it started to affect my confidence.  It had me feeling I couldn’t crawl back to where I was in life at the top.  It disrupted my sleep and affected my motivation and my energy. This nightmare wears you out.  It makes you shut all the doors and hide away from the world.  It took a lot of effort to keep going, to breathe.  Depression had me feeling useless, worthless and told me I was a burden on my wife.  My head wouldn’t stop thinking and I didn’t want to get out of bed.  It’s hard to see a way out of the nightmare.

Depression has you constantly wondering if this is what the future is going to be like?  All I could think about was “Am I going to get better?” 

I never wanted to give up.  Although I can understand now why people might.  Recovery takes time.

Depression was trying to tell me things were OK.  But I couldn’t pretend that they were anymore.  I knew I wasn’t that person.  I couldn’t keep saying I was well.  I had to accept that I don’t have to control everything.  I had to tell the kids what was going on.  I had to speak up.  I had to own it and tell them “I’m depressed”.  That made things easier for my wife and took my mind off things.  I knew the kids would be there for me and get me out, lift me up.  I didn’t have to protect them.  I could show them that some people are dealt hardship in life and can find their way out.

I just wanted to work myself out of this and get myself back to normal.  I told myself I need to get back to being ‘me’, get back to supporting the kids.  One thing that made a difference was telling myself to just start moving, get going.  I made sure I got out of bed socialising with family and try to get back into social routines. Even if I just got in the shower for five minutes that was enough to forget about everything.  Once I had a shower I told myself I was fine, away I would go.  I’m the kind of person that’s the life of the party, the prankster.  I like to be the guy that picks people up when things are morbid, make jokes out of stuff, a fun, vibrant, happy person.  I also like to be active working around the property and doing things, being on the go.  This speaks to my hopes of getting better again and getting back up. 

I listened to my daughter and my wife, encouraging me to do things. The kids would suggest a game of golf.  My daughter would check up on me and say “You’re doing 100% OK”.  I knew if I did what my kids asked me to do, that they would feel good.  I listened to them.  I believe in them.  I want to be there for them.  I want to teach them how to survive in life.  I want to teach them practical life skills.  I was taught by my mum how to cook and my father taught me life skills. I owe it to my parents and I want that for my kids.  I want them to know that if they struggle in life you can hit rock bottom and get back out with the right support.  I also wanted to do things for my family out of respect for them.  I ask them to do stuff for me, so why shouldn’t I do stuff for them.  I wanted to do what they were asking of me.  I think this is about respect and I’ve learnt the value of respect in other parts of my life.  I won’t get workers to do something, I wouldn’t be prepared to do myself.  I’ve helped out friends over the years, I’ve respected them and they’ve helped me out.  You treat others how you want to be treated.  When my mate hit rock bottom, he was low, I told him to go home and get himself right.  I did his shift.  I would talk him through what was going on in his head.  We’d go for lunch or for a walk.  We’ve both been through it.  We share ideas and talk about stuff together.  We encourage each other, just like my wife and kids have been doing for me.

I didn’t like what depression had done to me.  I was frightened and scared of not getting better.  This has given me empathy for others now.  If I see someone else struggling, I can turn around and reach out to them.  I have different insight.

I have learnt the value of leaning on friends and family for support.  Once my mate found out he had depression, he put it out to social media and let the world know.  He reached out to friends.  90% of the comments he got back were positive.  At last we’re getting rid of the stereotypes and men are reaching out to their friends and talking about it.  I didn’t want to burden my friends and have them worrying about me.  But I needed to let go of this mindset of just thinking about myself and know that my friends will be there to help me.  Telling my parents was something I didn’t want to do, but I’m glad I did.  It resulted in a change in my relationship with my dad.

I’ve realised how people view the same disease in different ways.  It’s different for everyone, not consistent.  While people’s experience of depression might be similar, none of us know how we will get out.  We all want to find the sunny side.  We will all have different ways of getting out of the nightmare.

Opportunity to be an Outsider Witness to this story

The author’s hope in sharing this story is to reduce the stigma of mental health issues in men and to get men talking. After reading this story, we invite you to write a message to send back to the author.  Here are some questions to guide your response.

  1. As you read this story, were there any words or phrases that caught your attention?  Which ones?
  2. When you read these words, what pictures came to your mind about the authors hopes for his life and what is important to him (ie. dreams, values and beliefs)?  Can you describe that picture?
  3. Is there something about your own life that helps you connect with this part of the story?  Can you share a story from your own experience that shows why this part of the story meant something to you?
  4. So what does it mean for you now, having read this story?  How have you been moved?  Where has this experience taken you to?

Please contact us with your response and we will forward your message to the author of this story. And if possible, we will attempt to gather a reply to your message.