Thoughts on finding Determination to deal with weight issues from someone who has been there
Determination is a strong feeling. I had that same feeling when I knew I had to do something about my weight.
Determination is helping me on my transformation journey from a caterpillar to a butterfly. I used to see myself as fat and ugly and just eat all day. Now I’m starting to see my wings form. I’m not in my full power yet, but it is Determination that will get me there.
It’s hard to work to become a butterfly. You need strength to show yourself. What I went through, I did, to become the person I am today.
I was bullied at school for being ‘fat and ugly’. I told myself “I am going to make myself so fat, that I am going to be what you think I am, so you’ll hate it.” I became what they said I was. I am determined not to let other people to not have that affect on me again. What they say is stupid. They’re just jealous. I thought I can be the bigger person here.
People would say hurtful things I didn’t like about my weight. And I would think to myself ‘I like this part of myself, so F*** you.’ I wanted to express my true self – fat or whatever – it doesn’t matter.
Looks don’t matter. I knew that when I was big. The friends that I lost after I lost weight were not real friends, that loved me as a person. That’s a fake kind of love. I don’t want to play those games anymore. Real friends love me as a person.
When it came to having surgery, I said to myself ‘What would mum do?’ I didn’t have my mum, so I said “I’ll be my own mum.’ I thought about what my mum would think about it. She would say ‘just do it’.
Surgery was scarey and unpredictable. If I stayed the way I was, I would die and part of me wanted to live. I had determination to prove people wrong – I said to myself ‘I can do this’. I never saw myself as big, but I hated being fat.
I had a voice that was telling me, whatever you’re running away from it’s not working. You need to face your fears. You need to listen to the part of you that you are ignoring. I saw myself as a scared little kid, and I was ignoring the grown up part of me. The part that said do not allow your fears to control you. I had to bargain with the fear driving me. Don’t allow fear to get to you. The DRIVENESS it was hidden in me, afraid to come out. I was calm and breathing into it.
I had to learn to talk to myself in a sensible and loving way. I said out loud nice things to myself. I used to say “I’m safe and I’m beautiful. I’m strong and I’m funny.’ Deep down you know this, you just don’t want to say it.
If feelings come up, I am being more mindful. I tell myself I don’t have to follow thoughts. I am determined not to let it control me. Like ‘You’re not good enough’ – I had to turn that thinking off.
It helps to be around words that inspire you and do meditation. Meditation helped to settle my mind and help deal with bad thoughts when I’m hard on myself. It’s also important to have a routine because I had no responsibilities.
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