‘Numbness’ and the Battle of Holding onto Something I Care About

by with No Comment Children's voicesClient StoriesDepressionFeelings and EmotionsMental healthOutsider Witness opportunitiesYouth

I’ve been struggling with this thing I can only describe as ‘Numbness’.

Numbness can set in randomly for no reason at all.  Or if something happens that I feel sad about.  It can happen at home or at school.  It seems to like invading my weekends.

It’s like the light bulb goes out in me.   And I lose the thrill of doing anything.

Numbness can make me not feel anything.  I just feel tired and want to be alone in my room.  I’m even too tired to fight with my siblings.

Numbness takes away my motivation and makes me not want to do any of the stuff I really like.  It takes me away from being with my family. 

When numbness is around, I stop taking care of myself.  I stop showering.  Numbness is not something I can just wash off. 

Numbness throws me out of routine.  There’s no in between.  I either eat too little or eat too much, sleep too much or not enough.

It makes me lose all hope when it tries to tell me “Oh well, it is what it is”.  If I fail an assignment, no big deal.

There are things I try desperately to hold onto when I notice Numbness trying to take me away from the things I care about.  One of these things is LOGIC.  I can call on logical thinking to try to challenge the tricks and tactics of Numbness.

I like bingeing on my favourite TV shows.  This makes the light bulb really bright in me.  I feel happy and it influences me to do more of my favourite stuff.

Numbness has not been able to steal way my personality when it comes to kindness.  Even when I’m not at my best, I am still kind and friendly to others.  I still give a bright smile to people I care about.  I tell my friends to stay strong even when I am feeling worthless.  I know I’m a good person.  Even at my weakest, I still give advice to my friends, even if it’s a bit quicker than usual.  I will never say “I can’t help you”.  I believe it’s important to be friendly.  I hate the idea of making people sad for no reason.  If I snap at them, that hurts me.  I won’t let Numbness take away my goodness. 

If my favourite anime character Erza was fighting Numbness, she would never give up.  She is always thinking of her friends, she keeps fighting for them.  She reminds herself of what she is trying to protect.  She cares a lot about other people and gets strength from helping others.  There are moments when I feel accomplishment when I help other people.

I won’t go overboard trying to chew someone up.  That takes too much energy.  In the past one friend dragged the energy out of me.  When they are upset, I don’t put much energy in.  I don’t want to get drawn into their stuff.  I have to try to put boundaries in for myself. 

Erza wouldn’t let people walk all over her.  She would say “I’m not an inanimate object”.  She has good friends that don’t try to use her.  I want to be able to stand up for myself more.  If no-one is going to stand up for me, I need to do it for myself.  If there are people picking on me, I just ignore them and walk away.

Opportunity to be an Outsider Witness to this story

After reading this story, we invite you to write a message to send back to the author.  Here are some questions to guide your response.

  1. As you read this story, were there any words or phrases that caught your attention?  Which ones?
  2. When you read these words, what pictures came to your mind about the authors hopes for their life and what is important to them (ie. dreams, values and beliefs)?  Can you describe that picture?
  3. Is there something about your own life that helps you connect with this part of the story?  Can you share a story from your own experience that shows why this part of the story meant something to you?
  4. So what does it mean for you now, having read this story?  How have you been moved?  Where has this experience taken you to?

Please contact us with your response and we will forward your message to the author of this story.

Balancing in the Boat: What helps me get out of the dark messy waters of Depression

by with No Comment Client StoriesDepressionMental healthNarrative therapy

In this reflection, our author shares the skills and knowledge she holds for managing depression. This story emerged after we read together the story of Ebony which was published by Sarah Penwarden in her work with young women at a New Zealand High School. The reflection begins with an excerpt from Ebony’s story, followed by our author’s story.

EBONY’S FIGHT WITH DEPRESSION – in which she holds onto what she’s learned and what she knows
After many years of depression Ebony knew depression quite well. It was familiar; it could suck you in.
Depression was like a well; a daunting, dark and gloomy well. It was made out of grey stone, and had sides to it. When she was at the bottom of the well, she couldn’t climb out of it.
Ebony learned that you’ve just got to stop yourself reaching the bottom of the well. She‘d also learn that others can help you up. Some people can do this without even realising it. She knew from experience that once you were in the well, it was very hard to climb back up. She could fall
back down the well by letting one thing get to her.
There were times when Ebony could see herself perched on the edge of the well, sitting on the top; feeling unsteady, swaying, waiting for one gust of wind to push her off balance. All she could do was to try to fall back instead of forward; back onto the grass, rather than forward into the well. Even though falling back would be difficult and painful, it would be better than falling into the well. It was all relative.
Up on the grass, she had people there to break her fall, people to support her. That was the advice she wanted to give herself: fall back instead of forward. It will eventually get better. The grass was soft and there was shorter to fall. She just needed the courage to fall back.
This was difficult because the well was very familiar, and falling backwards involved complete trust. There was something slightly welcoming to her about the well. There was so much comfort in the
depression. No-one else seemed to understand that. But down in the well she knew would become accustomed to being alone in a cold, dark place. It felt safe down there; no-one could harm her. But then she would look up and see something beautiful – a bird, a butterfly, someone’s face, and this would give her determination to climb up.

I recently heard Ebony’s ‘Fight with Depression’ story.  I really liked this story and I connected with her experience of depression being like falling into a dark and gloomy well.  I noticed how hard Ebony tried to ‘fall back instead of forward’ into the well because once she had fallen into the well it was very hard to climb back up.  This got me thinking about how ‘falling back’ requires a lot of trust.  Trust that people will be there for you.  For me, trust is when you know you have people behind you and you have a history of supporting each other.  If you support them, then you know they will be there for you when you need it.  I’ve been there supporting my brother in the past and I know he will be there for me.  For me this is having a good balance in the relationship.  Balance is important when trying to get out of the well of depression.  Without balance, you might fall in.

For me, depression lurks in the deep, dark water underneath my boat.  It makes me not care if I fall in or not. When I feel myself slowing dipping into the darkness, life feels bland and exhausting.  Its hard to see life being any different.  It takes away my motivation to live and I all I feel is pain.  Sitting on the edge of that boat, I feel like I’ve lost myself.

Depression makes you withdraw from relationships with people and with life.  It takes me away from doing my assignments and stuffs up my routine.  It pulls you down into the dark water and disrupts the balance.  It makes me not bothered to ask for help.

There are some things that help to keep me in the boat.

Friends distract me from falling in.  The best kind of friends are ones that are fun, easy to talk to and don’t push subjects onto you.  They might gently make suggestions like how to get better sleep.  They are looking out for me.  They include me in things.  They have a good balance of logic and emotion.  When I lack logic in my thinking or cannot connect with myself emotionally, they help me out.  They read me well.  These friends have good balanced lives.  They are not fussed about the future or the past; they help me stay in the present moment.  I appreciate that they are not self centred.

Depression has me wanting to keep my emotional and dark thoughts to myself.  I’ve learnt that its healthier to project these thoughts onto other people like counsellors.  I also know I can talk to my brother.  I know that he has dealt with his own depressing emotions before.  We have dealt with tough situations together in the past and have been able to get things off our chest.  We developed a bond.  So recently when I found myself in the dark depressing waters, my mum got him on the phone.  My brother doesn’t undermine a problem.  He thinks all problems are on the same level, none is more important than another.  So even if my problems are different to his, he still values my experience.  That’s where trust comes in.  I can ‘fall back’ and trust my brother to be there for me.

Opportunity to be an Outsider Witness to this story

After reading this story, we invite you to write a message to send back to the author.  Here are some questions to guide your response.

  1. As you read this story, were there any words or phrases that caught your attention?  Which ones?
  2. When you read these words, what pictures came to your mind about the authors hopes for her life and what is important to her (ie. dreams, values and beliefs)?  Can you describe that picture?
  3. Is there something about your own life that helps you connect with this part of the story?  Can you share a story from your own experience that shows why this part of the story meant something to you?
  4. So what does it mean for you now, having read this story?  How have you been moved?  Where has this experience taken you to?

Please contact us with your response and we will forward your message to the author of this story.

Triumping Over Trauma Pamela Trotman

“Living Life to the Fullest” with Pamela Trotman

by with No Comment Client StoriesCounsellingCross Cultural practiceCulturally Fit Social WorkersGrief and LossHealing from TraumaJustice issuesPodcastSexual assaultTalk the Walk podcastTrauma-informed practiceViolence and AbuseWorking with Women
Pamela Trotman

Pamela’s Trotman’s social work career began in Redfern over 50 years ago.  She has worked in a range of settings from child protection to mental health, taking her on many journeys of healing alongside trauma survivors including the Stolen Generations, refugees and those experiencing family violence and sexual abuse.   It is these experiences as well as her own journey of recovery from child sexual abuse and multiple traumatic losses, that has inspired Pamela’s new book ‘Triumphing Over Trauma: Journeys Beyond Woundedness”.

It is a pleasure to have her back on the show, after our first interview in 2017 to talk about her own experience of personal and family trauma and how it has inspired her first book. 

In episode 33 of ‘Talk the Walk’, we explore:

  • The journey of writing a book as a wounded healer for the traumatically wounded
  • The nature of Pam’s personal and family tragedies, and the realisations that informed her understanding of the impact of trauma and what truly matters in recovery
  • What is traumatic wounding and the seven forms of traumatic wounding
  • The capacity for the brain to heal and factors that promote trauma recovery
  • The metaphor of crossing the bridge and how family members can help their traumatised loved ones take that first step to get help
  • Finding other forms of justice when legal justice is not an option
  • The case study of Joanna, a young Aboriginal woman who found her voice, to heal from child sexual abuse
  • The role of the therapist in walking alongside people in triumphing trauma, as enrichment rather than depletion
Listen to Stitcher

To listen to this episode simply click on the Play button below or listen via the Stitcher App for iOS, Android, Nook and iPad.

You can also subscribe to podcast and blog updates via email from the Menu on the Home Page.

Don’t forget, if you or someone you know would make a great interview on ‘Talk the Walk’, send us an email from the Contact Page.

Things to follow up after the episode

To listen to this episode simply click on the Play button below or listen via the Stitcher App for iOS, Android, Nook and iPad.
Listen to Stitcher
You can also subscribe to podcast and blog updates via email from the Menu on the Home Page.

Don’t forget, if you or someone you know would make a great interview on ‘Talk the Walk’, send us an email from the Contact Page.

Things to follow up after the episode

Noah Publishing – where to purchase ‘Triumphing over Trauma: Journeys beyond woundedness”

Mark Moran – Serious Whitefella Stuff:  When Solutions Became the problem in Indigenous Affairs

Pamela Trotman author and social worker on Facebook

Access YouTube videos by Pamela Trotman including Crossing the Bridge to Trauma Recovery

Contact Pamela Trotman info.noahpublications.au@gmail.com

Check out Pam’s other interview on ‘Talk the Walk’

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Surviving the Child Protection system

From Victim to Survivor to Teacher

by with No Comment Child ProtectionChild RemovalClient StoriesJustice issuesNarrative therapyParenting

Alicia is one of those people that knew from the beginning of our work together, she wanted to share her story with a wider audience.  Having re-authored her narrative from a problem mother as defined by the Child Protection system to one that never gave up loving her children, Alicia then decided to publish her story with a view to helping others.  Alicia believed her skills and knowledge for surviving the Child Protection system would be useful for other parents who are trying to get their children back. 

In narrative therapy, finding another audience beyond the therapist for people’s preferred stories makes a big difference in how people experience themselves (Denborough 2014).  The story teller not only has this new version of their story validated, but feels a sense of contribution to the life of another; that in some way their life will be changed too by reading about the author’s experience.  

Being heard by outsider witnesses can also feel like a small step towards justice for someone who feels like the system let them down.  Putting one’s story out for others to read turns a personal experience into a political issue, highlighting where systems are failing people instead of continuing to blame mothers for failing their children.

This therapeutic process moves people not only from a position of victim to survivor, but through to an influential teacher who has hard-won knowledge and skills that are of benefit to others.  What an empowering position to be in for someone who has felt completely powerless over their life!

For anyone out there who is currently in a situation where their children have been removed, feeling devastated by the separation, and have lost hope, what more powerful way of reaching out to them than reading a real-life story from someone who has already ridden that roller-coaster.

On that note, I am privileged to be able to share in Alicia’s own words, her tips for parents who are currently riding the roller-coaster that is ‘surviving the child protection system’. 

And if you haven’t already, you can read Alicia’s full story here.

I hope Alicia’s words bring comfort, support and hope to those who are possibly on the worst ride of their life right now.

Download Alicia’s Tip Sheet for Parents as a .pdf.Download

References: 

Denborough, D., 2014, ‘Retelling the Stories of Our Lives:  Everyday Narrative Therapy to Draw Inspiration and Transform Experience’, W. W. Norton & Company, N.Y.

mum-and-child

Re-writing Stories of Identity: Alicia’s Story

by with No Comment Challenges and strugglesChild ProtectionChild RemovalClient StoriesHealing from TraumaInspiring StoriesNarrative therapyStorytellingStrengths and Resilience

The first day I met Alicia, not that long ago, she said ‘I want to share my story with other people.  I want to help others who are going through similar struggles.’

In the few months that followed, I sat down to interview Alicia on her experience of having her children removed and the many years that followed, fighting to get them back.  This alone appeared to be a very powerful and healing experience for Alicia.  Our narrative conversations allowed Alicia to reclaiming her identity from one which was defined by the Child Protection system as ‘a worthless mother who was not going to get better’ to her preferred identity as a ‘strong-willed, stubborn but patient fighter who never stopped loving her kids’.

In narrative therapy, Denborough says “while we can’t always change the stories that others have about us, we can influence the stories we tell about ourselves and those we care about”.  In telling our stories in ways that focus on our strengths for getting through difficult times, we have the power to re-author our lives.  No longer are we trapped by the problem story that we have come to believe is true; we now have a new and different story of what we stand for and value in life.

Our therapy together has allowed Alicia to reclaim her ‘storytelling rights’ (Denborough 2017) and tell her story in a way that fits for her, not defined by others.  The Charter of Storytelling Rights includes:

  • the right to define their experiences and problem in their own words and terms.
  • the right not to have problems caused by trauma and injustice, located inside them, internally, as if there were some deficit in them.  The person is not the problem; the problem is the problem.
  • The right to have their responses to hard times acknowledged.
  • The right to know and experience that what they have learned through hard times can make a contribution to the lives of others in similar situations.

It is this last right, that Alicia now wishes to exercise.  Today, is the first time that Alicia is going public with her story.  This is an opportunity for you, the audience, to be witness to the alternative story Alicia is taking on about her life.

We invite you to read Alicia’s Story of ‘never, ever giving up’ and then send a message back to Alicia about how this story has changed you.  

If you know what it is like to experience child removal, we invite you to continue the conversation with us on our Facebook Group.

References:
Deborough, D. 2014, ‘Retelling the Stories of Our Lives Everyday Narrative Therapy to Draw Inspiration and Transform Experience’, Norton.

child pic

The Power of Story in Standing up to Violence: A Child’s Perspective

by with No Comment Children's voicesClient StoriesCounsellingCross Cultural practiceCulturally sensitive therapeutic toolsHealing from TraumaIndigenous Voices Speaking UpInspiring StoriesNarrative therapyPractice toolsStrengths and ResilienceViolence and AbuseWorking with Children

Patricia readingIn Aboriginal culture, storytelling is a way of connecting with the relationship system, an ancient tradition that has been practiced throughout the generations.  Often it is Elders telling their grandchildren stories about their ancestors, that have great significance for their future lives.

In Western cultures it could be adults reading fairy tales or adventure stories to children at bedtime.

Children are great story tellers too.

If we take the time to stop and listen carefully, they have great adventures to tell.  Children are active little people, learning new skills and taking on knowledge from role models around them.  These things help them grow and develop, and come in handy when times get tough.

When children are living with violence in their families, they are drawing on the skills, knowledge and strengths they have learnt, to help them cope, keep themselves safe and stay strong.  They are standing up to violence!
Children who live with violence in their families and communities, come from all parts of Australia and many different cultural backgrounds.

When I was working as a children’s counsellor in remote Aboriginal communities between 2009 and 2013, I heard many stories of violence and trauma and helped the children document their strengths and abilities in surviving these hard times.  I recently reconnected with one of these boys whom I supported for several years and is now in high school.  He and his Aunty gave me permission to share publicly one of the stories he wrote, in the hope that it might help other children who are also experiencing violence or abuse.

Feel free to download and share this story with any children you may be working with.
A story about Anger

You or your client may also like to send a story back to us (email lucy@metaphoricallyspeaking.com.au).  I am happy to send on messages to the author of this story.  Here are some questions that might guide your message.

  • As you listened to the story, were there any words that caught your attention? Which ones?
  • When you heard these words, what pictures came to your mind about the person and what is important to them (eg. their hopes, dreams, values and beliefs)?   Can you describe that picture?
  • What is it about your own life that helped you connect with these words and pictures?
  • How might you think and act differently, after having heard this story?

We hope by sharing this story, that other voices of children living with violence are heard loud and strong.

I have a dream that we might be able to gather a whole collection of children’s stories of experiences of trauma and resilience.  And that this might be shared with the adults who have used violence or abuse in their relationships.

This may be just the tool needed to help those languishing in our prisons to think about the impact of their behavior on their loved ones and the possibility of a different way of living.