‘Numbness’ and the Battle of Holding onto Something I Care About

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I’ve been struggling with this thing I can only describe as ‘Numbness’.

Numbness can set in randomly for no reason at all.  Or if something happens that I feel sad about.  It can happen at home or at school.  It seems to like invading my weekends.

It’s like the light bulb goes out in me.   And I lose the thrill of doing anything.

Numbness can make me not feel anything.  I just feel tired and want to be alone in my room.  I’m even too tired to fight with my siblings.

Numbness takes away my motivation and makes me not want to do any of the stuff I really like.  It takes me away from being with my family. 

When numbness is around, I stop taking care of myself.  I stop showering.  Numbness is not something I can just wash off. 

Numbness throws me out of routine.  There’s no in between.  I either eat too little or eat too much, sleep too much or not enough.

It makes me lose all hope when it tries to tell me “Oh well, it is what it is”.  If I fail an assignment, no big deal.

There are things I try desperately to hold onto when I notice Numbness trying to take me away from the things I care about.  One of these things is LOGIC.  I can call on logical thinking to try to challenge the tricks and tactics of Numbness.

I like bingeing on my favourite TV shows.  This makes the light bulb really bright in me.  I feel happy and it influences me to do more of my favourite stuff.

Numbness has not been able to steal way my personality when it comes to kindness.  Even when I’m not at my best, I am still kind and friendly to others.  I still give a bright smile to people I care about.  I tell my friends to stay strong even when I am feeling worthless.  I know I’m a good person.  Even at my weakest, I still give advice to my friends, even if it’s a bit quicker than usual.  I will never say “I can’t help you”.  I believe it’s important to be friendly.  I hate the idea of making people sad for no reason.  If I snap at them, that hurts me.  I won’t let Numbness take away my goodness. 

If my favourite anime character Erza was fighting Numbness, she would never give up.  She is always thinking of her friends, she keeps fighting for them.  She reminds herself of what she is trying to protect.  She cares a lot about other people and gets strength from helping others.  There are moments when I feel accomplishment when I help other people.

I won’t go overboard trying to chew someone up.  That takes too much energy.  In the past one friend dragged the energy out of me.  When they are upset, I don’t put much energy in.  I don’t want to get drawn into their stuff.  I have to try to put boundaries in for myself. 

Erza wouldn’t let people walk all over her.  She would say “I’m not an inanimate object”.  She has good friends that don’t try to use her.  I want to be able to stand up for myself more.  If no-one is going to stand up for me, I need to do it for myself.  If there are people picking on me, I just ignore them and walk away.

Opportunity to be an Outsider Witness to this story

After reading this story, we invite you to write a message to send back to the author.  Here are some questions to guide your response.

  1. As you read this story, were there any words or phrases that caught your attention?  Which ones?
  2. When you read these words, what pictures came to your mind about the authors hopes for their life and what is important to them (ie. dreams, values and beliefs)?  Can you describe that picture?
  3. Is there something about your own life that helps you connect with this part of the story?  Can you share a story from your own experience that shows why this part of the story meant something to you?
  4. So what does it mean for you now, having read this story?  How have you been moved?  Where has this experience taken you to?

Please contact us with your response and we will forward your message to the author of this story.

australian outback

‘Connecting in Time and Place’ With Michelle Bates

by with No Comment Children's voicesCommunity WorkCulturally Fit Social WorkersHope-Focused Social WorkInspiring StoriesNarrative therapyNarrative work with Aboriginal communitiesPodcastRemote social workSelf CareSocial Work with Indigenous communitiesStorytellingStrengths and ResilienceStrengths-based practiceWorking with Children

Michelle Bates had spent most of her life in Sydney’s South West raising a family, but something else was calling her to the outback.  Moving to Tennant Creek for a short stint helping Aboriginal people understand and implement the National Disability Insurance Scheme Plan, Michelle found herself putting down roots after falling in the love with the colours, the country and the stories of the Warumungu people.

Among her various roles in Tennant Creek, Michelle is a counsellor and narrative practitioner, advocate, mentor and leader.  She volunteers at the Paterson Street Hub, a collective space in the main street of Tennant Creek which offers safety and opportunities for learning, sharing and contribution.  This is a delightful interview of what its like to fall in love with a place and do the work that you really love.

In Episode 34 of ‘Talk the Walk’ we explore:

  • What drew Michelle to Tennant Creek to find an anchored adventure and what keeps her there
  • The history of Michelle’s connection to working towards systems change and living well in community together
  • The impact of connection to place and the role of nurturing women on Michelle’s early life and its resonance in remote Australia
  • A narrative project unearthing the wisdom of Aboriginal children in story and play, witnessed by important adults in their lives
  • What it means to children to uncover stories about the things that are important to them in childhood 
  •  An opportunity for listeners to provide outsider witness responses to the stories of Tennant Creek children
  • Key values and qualities needed to work with children in remote communities
  • The story of Patterson St Hub, a thriving inspiring gathering place for community members
  • The challenges of living and working remotely and how struggles become rich opportunities for growth
  • The small sparkling moments of resistance that makes Michelle’s day
Listen to Stitcher

To listen to this episode simply click on the Play button below or listen via the Stitcher App for iOS, Android, Nook and iPad.

You can also subscribe to podcast and blog updates via email from the Menu on the Home Page.

Don’t forget, if you or someone you know would make a great interview on ‘Talk the Walk’, send us an email from the Contact Page.

Things to Follow up After the Episode

Michelle’s Masters project through The Dulwich Centre (link to be provided when available)

Patterson St Hub, Tennant Creek website

Patterson St hub on Instagram

Michelle Bates on Instagram

Connect with Michelle Bates on LinkedIn

Email Michelle at michelle.bates@ymail.com

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A Shout Out from the Treetops for Australia’s generosity

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Lucy shouting from the treetops in Tassie – April 2017.

I want to shout from the treetops.  Yippee!   I am overwhelmed by the level of interest and demand for our therapeutic children’s picture book, ‘The Life of Tree’.  We’ve even had media requests from the most unexpected places.

I’m also here to shout out to those generous people who gave to our crowdfunding campaign.  We raised almost $2500 which is allowing us to send a whopping 99 free books out to remote women’s refuges across Australia.  So far I’ve posted 47 books to every remote emergency accommodation shelter in the Northern Territory and Western Australia , directly targeting Aboriginal children escaping domestic and family violence in their communities.

As promised, here is our Shout Out to the donors on Chuffed who wanted to know where their book ended up.  But thank you to all 63 individuals and organisations who kindly donated.

Wadeye – Toni Woods

Photo: Glenn Campbell, Crinkling News, March 2017.

Yuendemu – Jennifer Treyfrey-Bath

Angurugu – Christine Sellman

Raminginging – Annette Bex

Maningrida – Jean John

Peppimenarti – Judy Byrne

Wurrumiyanga – Anne Davis

Kalkarindji – Shaun Pearce

Lajamanu – Bridget Verrier

Ti Tree – Verity Kowal

Wugularr – Erin McKeegar

Ngukurr – Barry Sullivan

Ntaria – Jana Norman

Yarralin – Simon Faulkner

Our hope is that ‘The Life of Tree’ will be read to children by support workers in these refuges, to help them talk about and make sense of the trauma they have experienced.   We also have hopes that refuge staff will engage in strength-building conversations that acknowledge the skills, abilities and knowledge that children have in surviving and coping with storms in their lives.  We can’t wait to hear how these books are received in the refuges.
In the meantime, we are starting to hear some great stories about how other people are using the book in their communities.  After buying 10 copies for their school, Gunbalanya community is incorporating the use of ‘The Life of Tree’ into their school curriculum.  Cops For Kids, a charity in South Australia are funding 20 books in schools in the APY Lands.  Our book is being snapped up by a diverse range of services from rehabilitation, community health, mental health and Aboriginal health, to legal, counselling, foster care, disability and child care services.  We are posting from Tasmania to Darwin, Perth to Alice Springs.

We continue to get messages of thanks for the free books and appreciation for our work.  This means so much to Christine and I.

Perhaps we’ll write and paint some more one day if it helps those who have experienced trauma…. but for now, we’ll keep shouting!  Yippee!

Jack

Just one day left to ‘Give Aboriginal Kids a Voice’

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Cassie and other Aboriginal Support Workers use various ‘talking tools’ in their work to assist clients accessing the community Safe House.

A month ago I set out with a goal of getting my new book out to as many remote communities as I could, so that Aboriginal children might be better placed to speak up about their experience of domestic and family violence.

This week, as I revisited my hopes and intentions to achieve this goal, I wondered whether Aboriginal Support Workers in Safe Houses across the Northern Territory would also be able to see the benefits of using this simple resource with their clients.

This week I tracked down one such worker in Cassie Daniels who works at Milikapiti Safe House on the Tiwi Islands. Sharing a digital copy of ‘The Life of Tree’ with her, I was delighted to hear of her excitement that this resource would be heading her way very soon.

Cassie revealed that it had really got her thinking about how this book might be used to assist children and families that stay at the Safe House.  As well as with individual clients, Cassie sees the potential for using the story with weekly women’s groups and at community events that focus on family and domestic violence.  She says

“I love the pictures.  It’s easy to see the pictures and talk about them relating to their self experience”.

In considering how Safe House workers might put extra supports in place for children who have been exposed to domestic or family violence, Cassie goes on to say that this book will be a source of reassurance.

“Older women in the community who have the wisdom and knowledge of history that’s in line with this book [will] give hope to children who are experiencing storms at home; [knowing] that they do have roots that are strong in their identity [and] through other family to help.”

If you would like to empower other Aboriginal women in their communities to help children talk about their experience of domestic and family violence and get the help they need to stay safe, then head over to our crowdfunding page.

There’s just 24 hours to go to ‘Give Aboriginal Kids a Voice’.

Thanks for your support.

Book Cover

Giving Aboriginal Kids a Voice – Part III

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“Jack” from ‘The Life of Tree’ children’s therapeutic book

As a counsellor who has worked in remote communities, I have seen the lack of resources available to children fleeing violence in remote communities.   For many years, children in domestic violence shelters were not recognised as clients needing support and assistance in their own right, with much of this being offered to their mothers or caregivers.  Thankfully things are changing, slowly.  We know that children are impacted by hearing, seeing and experiencing it too!

With less than a week to go in our crowdfunding campaign, we are encouraged and amazed by the response by people all over Australia, to help us achieve our dream of giving ‘Aboriginal Kids A Voice’ on their experience of violence or trauma.

As I write this, we have raised over $1700.  This will allow us to send 68 copies of our therapeutic children’s picture book to domestic violence shelters in the NT, WA and Queensland.

We have shared our story with Lyrella Cochrane at ABC Radio Darwin and Emelia Turzon at ABC on line.  Any day now, a story will be published in the Crinkling News, the national newspaper for young people.

As we have already blown away our initial target, we have now expanded our goal to support children who arrive at shelters in South Australia and NSW too.  We’ve also been asked to consider translating ‘The Life of Tree’ into Indigenous languages to make it even more accessible for children through schools in Arnhemland.

If you would like to be part of this amazing opportunity to sponsor a book, that will help children share their story and get the help they need to start the healing process and stay safe, head over to our campaign page at https://chuffed.org/project/giving-aboriginal-kids-a-voice

Thank you so much for your support.  One book is one more voice.

Christine with 'The Life of Tree'

Giving Aboriginal Children a Voice – Part II

by with 4 Comments Children's voicesCulturally sensitive therapeutic toolsHealing Our ChildrenMy personal journeyNarrative therapyNarrative work with Aboriginal communitiesPractice toolsStrengths-based practiceThe Life of TreeTrauma-informed practiceViolence and AbuseWorking with ChildrenWorking with Metaphors

Bloopers captured in time on our crowdfunding campaign video

This blog goes out on the cusp of the release of my first children’s therapeutic picture book.  Nerves aside, it’s been an exciting but hectic week as Christine and I prepare for media interviews.  We’ve also been busy creating a crowdfunding campaign to get the community on board with our hopes for the book.  We are new to all this stuff, so of course there have been many laughs along the way (hence the blooper snapshot captured here while filming our campaign video).  If you really want to know what all the fuss is about, then maybe this Q&A might provide some answers.

What is the book about?

There are two characters in the book, a little boy called Jack and his friend Tree, who lives with his family (or other trees) in the bush.   I think the blurb on the back cover is a good summary of what happens in this story.

“Tree is living a peaceful life in the bush until a wild storm comes along and damages his environment.  His friend, Jack is worried that Tree won’t recover and be able to play with him again.  When Jack also lives through a wild storm in his home, he comes to realise just how strong they both really are.  Jack has strong cultural roots, just like Tree that brings hope and healing to his whole family.”

This story is really exploring the ‘storms of life’ that children go through and how this impacts on them.  It’s also a story of healing which comes through connection, culture and the support of family and community.

How did this story come to me?

The story was just slowing coming together in the back of my mind, mulling away there for a long time.  Then one day, I think I was in a day dream state and the idea just popped into my head.  I then went away and wrote it fairly quickly.  Often ideas come to me in my dreams day or night.

Book Cover

What are the aims of the book?  What are my intentions in writing it?

I think the book reflects what I am trying to do in my counselling work with children.  First, it’s about helping them find their voice and give words to the ‘problem story’ of their lives.  It’s also about making visible the ‘strong story’ of their lives – what is it that is keeping them going, stay safe and be happy.

I am hoping that the adults in children’s lives will use this book to give voice to the strong story of children’s lives and perhaps even document this.   This could include the skills, abilities, beliefs, values and knowledge the child has in coping and keeping themselves safe.

‘The Life of Tree’ is another resource that people can add to their tool box in their conversations with children.

Who is the book for?  Who would be interested in reading it?

This book is intended to be read by an adult to Aboriginal children who have been affected by trauma.

This book will appeal to Aboriginal and non-Aboriginal people care for, live or work with children who’ve experienced trauma such as domestic and family violence.  So this can include family members and foster carers as well as professionals such as counsellors, social workers, support workers or case workers.

 What inspired me to write the book?

 My biggest motivation is to help children tell their stories.  One of the greatest challenges I’ve faced in my work with Aboriginal children, apart from the obvious cultural and gender barriers is gaining enough trust, for children to feel that it is OK to talk about the really tough stuff.  And that what they are feeling is normal.  Kids do feel sad and angry about violence in their families.  And it’s shame and fear that really hold them back from speaking up and healing from their experience.  So in order to gain trust we need to create a safe space for the conversation.

Another motivation is to provide a culturally safe tool for professionals.  ‘The Life of Tree’ uses images and themes that children can connect to because it reflects their own cultural traditions and beliefs.  Christine has done an amazing job bringing her artistic talents to this story.  I haven’t really found any other resources like this out there.

Of course, my favourite part is the use of metaphors because this has worked in other areas of my practice.  I’ve been practicing narrative therapy in my work with children for 8 years, with groups of children in remote communities as well as in individual counselling.  I have witnessed how the use of metaphors is effective in connecting with people and creating a safe space for conversation about difficulties in their lives.   Asking direct questions isn’t always going to work, but people seem to spontaneously want to share their own story, if they hear a story that is similar to theirs.

What initially got me interested in this topic?

10 years ago I arrived in the Northern Territory virtually green from university. The first 6 months working out bush as a drug and alcohol counsellor, I drank lots of tea and did a lot of listening.  I later moved into children’s counselling and I was hearing lots of stories from women Elders about their concerns for their children and grandchildren.  I guess, I’ve always been listening for ways I might be able to meet an expressed need – that’s what community development is all about.  If there is some way I can walk alongside communities to find solutions to the problems in their communities, then there is a place for me there.  Along the journey I’ve found myself more and more in the healing space, finding ways of bring healing to people’s lives.

When is the book being released?  How can people buy it?

The book was released on Wednesday 1st March 2017.  You can access further information and a Sneak Peak of pages from the book from my online Shop.  There you’ll also find a downloadable Order Form.

 What about people who can’t afford to buy the book?

We are officially launching a crowd-funding campaign on Tuesday to raise money to send free books to communities.  Christine and I would like to put donated books into all the women’s refuges in remote communities of the NT, WA and Queensland.  We are both aware that the support for children coming into remote safe houses is pretty limited.  ‘The Life of Tree’ is one way, that Aboriginal workers in those services could engage children and directly support them.

So if there is anyone out there who would like to sponsor a book, they can look up our campaign ‘Giving Aboriginal Kids a Voice’

Christine with ‘The Life Of Tree’

The remote counsellor's toolbox for giving children a voice

Giving Aboriginal Children a Voice

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Using bear cards to give children a voice in the ‘third person’

One of the things I have been most passionate about in my work with children and their families is being able to give children a voice.  Sometimes this can be very challenging.  Children can be left silenced by their experience, especially in situations of domestic and family violence.  Feelings like shame, sadness, anger, guilt, despair and fear prevent children from being able to find words.

As a counsellor in remote communities, it would be very easy to become complacent and dismiss the effects of violence as normalised behaviours in children; because violence is something many children may witness and learn to live with.  But it is certainly not normal and violence shouldn’t be tolerated.  It is my experience on the Tiwi Islands working alongside local people that children, especially boys, are too scared to talk about the violence occurring in their families.  It could cause further shame for them or expose them to further punishment or abuse if they speak out.

So the challenge is….how do you allow children to have a voice without exposing them to further shame or trauma?  Of course, one does not necessarily have to speak about the details of a bad memory in order to begin the process of healing.  In fact, neuroscience suggests that sometimes it is physically impossible to recall all the details of a traumatic event anyway, due to the brains response to toxic stress and its effect on memory.  Some children may not be consciously aware of what has happened to them even though the body remembers.
The goal then is to help children integrate and transform their trauma experience without having to recall any facts.  The child will be able to relate to feelings, thoughts, sensations in the body and compulsions to behave in particular ways, even if they do not link this to any past hurts.

One way I have tried to assist integration and help children to make sense of their experience is encouraging the use of ‘third person’ voice.  Play using miniature animals or puppets, drawing or play-doh creates all sorts of opportunities for imagined creatures to tell a story.  For me, the bear cards have been a great resource in shifting children into this safe space; to explore what might have happened for bear to have an angry, scared or sad face, what is happening in his body and what he is driven to do.  The process also fits really well with the idea of ‘externalisation’ in narrative therapy, allowing the child to see that a problem sits outside of themselves, rather than taking up permanent residence inside them.  I have written elsewhere about the use of masks in therapy to assist with externalisation of feelings which are impacting in negative ways on children.

Another indirect way of assisting communication in therapy is through the use of metaphor.  In my experience running group-work programs on Aboriginal family bush camps, I’ve discovered the power of using the tree metaphor to assist people to share their strengths, abilities and skills for getting through hard times.

It is through my discovery of the power of metaphor for communication and the challenge of working with Aboriginal boys, that inspired me to write a children’s therapeutic picture book.  ‘The Life of Tree’ uses the tree metaphor to explore the issues of domestic and family violence.  My hope was that by reading this story, Aboriginal boys in particular, might be invited into a safe conversation about their feelings, thoughts and actions in their own lives.

Over the past six months I have been mentoring Yolngu artist and friend, Christine Burrawanga, to create the images for the story.  This is a story that is very close to Christine’s heart and so her strong culture, passion and enthusiasm to make a difference for her people has really shaped the book.

Our hope is that ‘The Life of Tree’ is a key to opening the door to the voices of children which have been locked away by the experience of violence.  Healing from the trauma of violence can be a long journey.  But if that door is opened ever so slightly as a child, perhaps the emotional burden they are carrying, will be lightened just a little bit.

Read Part II – Giving Aboriginal Children a Voice.

child pic

The Power of Story in Standing up to Violence: A Child’s Perspective

by with No Comment Children's voicesClient StoriesCounsellingCross Cultural practiceCulturally sensitive therapeutic toolsHealing from TraumaIndigenous Voices Speaking UpInspiring StoriesNarrative therapyPractice toolsStrengths and ResilienceViolence and AbuseWorking with Children

Patricia readingIn Aboriginal culture, storytelling is a way of connecting with the relationship system, an ancient tradition that has been practiced throughout the generations.  Often it is Elders telling their grandchildren stories about their ancestors, that have great significance for their future lives.

In Western cultures it could be adults reading fairy tales or adventure stories to children at bedtime.

Children are great story tellers too.

If we take the time to stop and listen carefully, they have great adventures to tell.  Children are active little people, learning new skills and taking on knowledge from role models around them.  These things help them grow and develop, and come in handy when times get tough.

When children are living with violence in their families, they are drawing on the skills, knowledge and strengths they have learnt, to help them cope, keep themselves safe and stay strong.  They are standing up to violence!
Children who live with violence in their families and communities, come from all parts of Australia and many different cultural backgrounds.

When I was working as a children’s counsellor in remote Aboriginal communities between 2009 and 2013, I heard many stories of violence and trauma and helped the children document their strengths and abilities in surviving these hard times.  I recently reconnected with one of these boys whom I supported for several years and is now in high school.  He and his Aunty gave me permission to share publicly one of the stories he wrote, in the hope that it might help other children who are also experiencing violence or abuse.

Feel free to download and share this story with any children you may be working with.
A story about Anger

You or your client may also like to send a story back to us (email lucy@metaphoricallyspeaking.com.au).  I am happy to send on messages to the author of this story.  Here are some questions that might guide your message.

  • As you listened to the story, were there any words that caught your attention? Which ones?
  • When you heard these words, what pictures came to your mind about the person and what is important to them (eg. their hopes, dreams, values and beliefs)?   Can you describe that picture?
  • What is it about your own life that helped you connect with these words and pictures?
  • How might you think and act differently, after having heard this story?

We hope by sharing this story, that other voices of children living with violence are heard loud and strong.

I have a dream that we might be able to gather a whole collection of children’s stories of experiences of trauma and resilience.  And that this might be shared with the adults who have used violence or abuse in their relationships.

This may be just the tool needed to help those languishing in our prisons to think about the impact of their behavior on their loved ones and the possibility of a different way of living.